It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
