I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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