does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
And then he peed in my hair
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