You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You were trust falling into bushes
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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