There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
