you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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