If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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