So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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