The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
