1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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