70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
