Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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