nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
