She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
