I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
