I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
