Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
