I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
