Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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