I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
i believe in u and ur pee
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
