Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
