You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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