Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
