It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
