He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
