Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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