in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
