No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
