That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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