Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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