OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I smell stomach acid.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
