i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
