you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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