Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
