my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
