The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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