watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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