is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
