I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
