I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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