do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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