I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
