i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Of course I have a pirate flag
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
