He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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