Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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