Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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