jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
