Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
