lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Blood and glitter go together right?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
