I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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