he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
