I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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