Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Randomize
