i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
