Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
