What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
