Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize