I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Floor bacon is actually really good
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
