I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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